enthusiasm2

 This place sucks. I believe i am in purgatory, where everything is the same only worse. I haven't cried at all yet. I just kinda sit around. Making a mess and eating. I am spending my senior year coloring. Actually coloring. I am so glad that I'm getting such a high quality education here. is it to much to actually teach something, i mean I'm sure our small brains can handle a little something. I have spent my time getting high. Nothing better than killing your brain cells with good old fashion drugs. 

So a lot has changed since i last posted. i shall start from the start. so i had so much fun before i left! my friends threw me a surprise party. they bought me a unicorn pinata. and filled it with my favorite candy, sour patch kids. we also filled andy's basement with over 400 hundred balloons. i slept there after. we slept in all of the balloons it was amazing. I took my final classes at icp and met some amazing people in the process. also mike lezama hit my car! it was a terrible night. A lot of people came to the beach. it was actually an incredible night. one of the best. we were on the beach all day and we had cake later. we went back and there were fireworks and andy and i went for a late night swim. it was great. i was happier than ive been in a long time before i left. 

but now im in nc. im trying to make the best of it. and i believe i will. i just have to meet people. there is one kid with a red mohawk held up with elmers that i am determined to meet. he wears jeffery dahmer t-shirts. hes my kind person lol. nah thats creepy but i will stalk him and become friends with him over our love for anarchy. sike nah i dont like anarchy but i will for him! but other than that not to much is good. i miss everyone and am trying to get back to nj. the ppl i have met asked me today to try out for cheerleading. ITS MY NIGHTMARE! i want to go back to nj to my friends and the city. i want to go to museums and shows. i cant believe i missed grizzly bear and beach house. i actually cried that day im so lame. but i hope everyone who went had fun. plus im out of cigerettes and weed. it realy sucks. 

but on a better note. im going to start a journal. a photo journal. maybe on here it would be easier. but i want to remember how i felt expirencing some things in the last few months. they really meant a lot to me. so ill take and post a picture of these events and write things under them. just so i dont forget. 

 So today is the last day i will own my house. i move out in a few days but its just weird to come home to a house that legally isn't yours. i hope everything goes swimmingly despite the bulldozer and giant gaping hole in my yard that threatens to consume me. it makes for some pretty interesting pictures though. since summer started i haven't stopped taking pictures. its fun i'm glad that i finally have time. I'm taking another photo class. and meet some more people. i'm excited. i met a girl named sidni she's pretty fucking awsome. and i still am hanging out with my friends from last class. i love meeting people i actually like. 

and speaking of people i like... nicole and robbie. where art thou? i haven't seen either of you in a while. is anyone interested in going to see dan deacon in august? yes? it'll be awsome. or movies in bryant park. 

and im glad because the radio station im listening to is playing modest mouse right now. they played the avalanches and BON IVER! whom i love. i'm glad i found this station to bad i only have less than three weeks to enjoy it. o well, ill remember it for when i visit! 

 WARNING: this blog is filled with teen angst and bitchy whining. if you do not enjoy these things do not continue

ok so it has come to my attention that i have been bitching about moving a lot and stuff lately. so people dont have to deal with me doing this anymore i think its a good idea just to get it out on here. 

today is horrible. my sister is yelling my dad wont call us back about anything important which we need! he lost his job, again! big surprise, he hasnt kept a job for an entire year since we moved here seven years ago, amazing how he does it i know. we'll now that he has no job idk how we are gonna move until he gets a new one. because we cant take out a morgage until he gets another one. he has also decided to stop supporting us and not give us any money that we need, for moving, child support, college for me and my sister, or anything else. instead he has been spending his money on yankee tickets, broadway plays and vacations to tropical paradises with his gf. 

Everyone has summer plans. i am doing nothing at least not until next week when i start photo classes. even then idk who ill see. i dont have much time before i move :( i like the place but its gonna be hard to find a house now with my dad being who he is. But i move out of my house in two weeks. We start packing our shit up this week and im scared as fuck for it all. My mom and i were gonna go down and look at houses in the town soon but theres a huge problem. my sister wants to go. she says shes gonna go house hunting to actually buy a house with my mom, a house that i have to spend my senior year in, a house where i will live, where she will never be seen. Its completely unfair. shes not going to live there at all, maybe three months out of the year not even, yet she wants to go with my mom to look at houses. if she goes though a good thing is that i will be able to have the house to myself. i love having the house to myself. deep frying things, doing watever i want. last time i turned my house into a rollerblading rink/ special baked goods store. but i do want to go look at houses more than i want to sty here. im just trying to find the silver lining. even though my mom will buy a house soon we will be homeless for at least a few weeks. i will be staying at a family friends house for a while, they offered me a place to live all of next year but im not allowed to do that. just for the summer.

But next year i get to wear uniforms! fucking a. i hate wearing uniforms. i had to at my privite school in tennesse. girls have to wear skorts or jumpers. i guess we wear slacks when it gets cold, cause were not allowed to wear jeans. i dont wear skirts, or skorts. i hardly wear shorts,  i wear jeans! and polo shirts everyday i dont know if i can do it without going crazy! i hate polo shirts. i wonder how many douchebags will pop their collars.

so pretty much thats my life right now. i know its not the end of the world. i know it could be much worse so dont think im saying that my life is the worst or anything. i just needed to vent so other people dont have to  deal with me. also please excuse my speling in this. im horrible at spelling. but yea again things could be worse. at least my friends are back. they kinda left me alone for a while. and there are ones who have always been there of course thank you to al of them. but the others just came out of hiding i guess. but im gonna try to spend as much time with people as possible while im here.  

also this just in...my horse is lame. lame means his foot is hurt so i cant ride him. not only is he lame on the left front, but he lost a shoe and split the hof of his right front. so thats really bad for those of you who dont know horses...

 I just got home from the second worst vacation ever. we went house hunting. i drove in a car forever with a woman who doesnt stop complaining or yelling. also her face always looks like shes smelling bad cheese. But i really like the town we choose. we just need to find a house in our price range thats nice. Its gonna be a task. Im hopeful though. 
   First the downtown area has good resturants, clubs, and TONS of hookah bars. They actually have a jerusalem market/ hookah bar. How those two things go together im not sure... also being in the downtown area it feels like an episode of dawsons creek, mainly propably because dawsons creek was filmed there!
   Second it is right by the beach. like ten minutes away. if we move there i can get a surf board. ive always wanted to get one and learn. and i would learn. i met a cute surfer guy there to. except he wouldnt stop singing im on a boat. as i told rob mega turn off. 
   But one of the daughters was really nice im actually texting her now. 
   also i had my last photo class today. ironically someone in my photo class was on my plane this morning, then we both went home and went to photo class. He fell asleep on the plane and woke up screaming "THE POPCORN ISNT YELLOW ENOUGH" it was hilarious. but i do feel like i made a lot of new friends in this photo class. everyone's nice and everything i like all of them a lot.
  HOWEVER! MY WHOLE HOUSE SMELLS LIKE PEE! i cant stay in my house. i have locked myself in my room where it does not smell and will never come out. im not sure as to whyy my house smells like pee, but seriously the subways in new york smell less like pee. idk wtf my sister did! she gave away alcohol to someone whose 18, my moms pissed, they were drinking here or something my mom knows and the house is so gross. so as her punishment, i have to help clean the house tomorrow. but we still dont know what smells like pee! WHAT HAPPENED!!! 
   But yup this is my livejournal tonight. im gonna go smoke myself to sleep. its so nice, sounds dumb but im not a social smoker, i enjoy being on my roof with watever i got, them coming inside and sleeping. its nice, its kinda an outlit for all the bad things for me. especially right now, but im trying to make this a happy post! idk tell me if its working...

goodnight. rob and nicole, and sarager if she ever gets one, party? yes? help me im lonely! k.thnx.bye

 so i'm really starting to hate my life right now. i feel sick all the time, im to stressed, my anxiety has gotten really bad again, my meds aren't working. this always happens when my sister comes home, but its worse this time. i will kill myself if i have to hear her talk about how hard it is to be beautiful and how everyone's jealous again. and i dont know what ill do if she tells me im to sinister again. im the farthest from sinister! i just hate her a lot. 
   for people who dont know, i hate my sister, for good reason. I don't want to say it on here but i hate her for very good reason. 
I also dislike my dad right now. we went out for fathers day. The three of us. i acted happy but i've never been more miserable. i hate spending time with them. 
   But i smoked for the first time in a while last night. idk how i felt about that. i feel sick today. plus the cops came because of the people that have been breaking into cars in my town recently. Thank god his older sisters were there. but i just sat in a corner for most of the night. jesse helped me play call of duty 4, but i sucked, i shot at a tree for about 5 minutes before he told me it wasnt a person and that it never was a person... 
   but on the bright side, we made candy sushi. the fruit roll ups are the seaweed, nerds the rice, swedish fish the fish. we also had marshmellows, icing, starbursts and tons of other stuff for it. they were actually really good. but i was high so they were probably actually disgusting. 
   Megan G. made a perfect one. She only used pink nerds and flatened the starbursts perfectly. but it was perfect. she carried it around all night. i dont know why. i guess looking at it made her happy. she asked me to eat it at the end, but i didnt want to it was to perfect. she carried it around all night, just to look at it, then threw it out. im not sure why im so baffled by this, but i am. 
   anyway, i leave wednsday for north carolina, to visit towns. i dont want to move. but i found out that i come home sunday. i dont know if i will make it to my last photo class. im being a brat but i dont want to miss it. i like the people there, and i worked so damn hard on my project. if i miss it idk what i'll do. i've spent so much time there for the last damn day where we hang up our fucking work and shit. i've taken classes there before but i've always hated my pictures. i just kinda felt like if i did this than it would make up for all of the fails in the past. 
    but i dont think that any of this makes sense. its just me rambling about shit. stupid internet.  so dont re- read this or try to make sense, its one in the morning. i dont know what im saying. 

im going to bed where i shall dream about rob and nicole. my two loves. goodnight. 

 fuck my life. 
today i realized I'm lonely. 
I'm gonna go crawl in a hole now.
K.THNX.BYE

so.. this is only my second  entry. I'm still figuring out how livejournal works. But, i now have four friends! that's exciting!
 
But, i guess I'll take this chance to tell you i met the most interesting person the other day. I know that's the last time I'll ever see him but, he was nice. He's not an asshole like most people i meet. He also plays the bagpipe, fun fact right there. But, i have a tendency to hate people I meet. I always find new people stupid, boring, gossipy, materialistic, judge- mental, or just assholes. That's why I've had the same friends for so long, there's only like five of them, but i love my friends, not just because i can spend more than five minutes with them without hating them, but because they are genuine people. At least i hope. If I could have a superpower I would read minds, I think that then i would be able to find out whose a good person and whose not. I wish there were more good people in the world. 

And this blog is so full of angst. May i just also say i hate myself for all the angst in this blog, so I think I'll just delete it later. 


. Some people i like. Not all of them, but some.

 so... yesterday,  my sister came home and forced me to watch jesus camp the movie. for two and a half hours i watched little kids screaming and crying about abortion, curse words, the government and harry potter, because apparently all of these things are evil. Not to mention she has horrible b.o. I don't know why she forces me to spend quality time with her, we never get along. she says its cause i'm hostile and angry at the world.... 

But i just realized that my mom threw out my favorite expensive nail polish that was a christmas present. This is because my sister used it, and put it with all of her old, expires, gross nail polishes that my mom threw out. i really want to buy a new bottle but i hate urban outfitters, they cheat me out of money...